


Wait, this is Hell?

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anti-Hero, Binary gender can take a hike, Demons, Depression, Everyone is Dead, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Gods, Hazbin Hotel - Freeform, Heaven & Hell, Hell, Inspired by..., Journalism, Lies, M/M, Multi, Neurotypicality take a hike, Other, Psychopath main character, Synesthesia, This is hell what do you expect?, Transmetropolitan - Freeform, Triggers, dark AF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:42:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25944556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This a universe I made and I'm going to use it now. Read the tags.Edit: I'm very sorry but I'm just not inspired to write this anymore. I may go back to writing it sometime but don't get your hopes up. (Though the writing is only slightly better then my worst work yet, so I don't see what you'd be excited about.)
Relationships: Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Character/Original Character/Original Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Magnus dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A start part.

Hi, my name is Magnus Queen and I am about to die. I am a reporter, and I am just doing some healthy stalking for a article no one asked for, and I get shot. Well, there _was_ a No Trespassing sign, and it _did_ say you will be shot is you pass, but if that stopped people, we would never have the truth. Well, here I am, bleeding to death. The guy who did it just left. Asshat. Well, I _did_ kill his uncle. Ouch. There we go, shock is kicking in. Everything is dark.

"Two atheists. Let them go-"

"No. Chaos wants souls. Nowadays, they can't have the souls or we die."

The first voice was final, very grey and blah. The second though... It was strange, say blue or black? It will not choose! No color has changed on me before! The color I see is a rainbow, a color I have never seen before. I have synesthesia by the way. 

"Alright, heaven or hell?"

"I'm for hell, and they deserve it, but Christianity is just one set of worlds. Go ahead anyways."

I was falling. The weird thing was I had no body. My eyes didn't work. Nothing else did- but then, a light. And then a body, a immaterial one. I was a spirit, floating down into a starry void. And there was my body! I reached for it.

"You don't get that yet."

A hard yellow, blah, female voice emanated from behind me. I turn my spirit around. In front of me is a college student. A deathly pale student with glowing eyes, bloody gashes on her wrists, fangs and antlers.

"My name is Cassie, or Killjoy the depression demon. Blah blah blah, welcome to hell. Now it's time to take this test."

"A test?" I can talk! 

"Your hell qualification test."

I am suddenly in a chair watching my life. I am, dead. That just didn't compute. I mean, if there was a god, there would be no Covid. And with no god, afterlives broke down. With my life done the display of my death shrank into a television. The room I was in still had no walls or ceiling though. An ad clicked on. In it a picture of a demon and a picture of very realistic torture were on a game show setup. The ad proceeds to do a game show bit with demons in all the roles. At the end they say that if you are going to be in hell the best option was to be a demon. Now I have to hear about how I can call 1-666-demon to get some demon thing. 

"Hi! I'm Infuriati the ad demon! You can choose! Would you like to be a news demon or a torture subject?"

She had climbed out of the TV and she was big. 28 feet of product with a 45 foot wingspan. Her hair was wavy like she was in a hair ad, her bust, butt and waist all equally doctored. And she glowed. I am weirded out. "Umm, torture is bad?"

"Good idea! Now can I interest-"

"No. Ads are lies." I detest lies.

"Well, duh! Now I'll have the losers deal with you. Infuriati out!"

"Huh. So I'm a demon?" Life, or death now, makes no sense.

Cassie replied. "I guess you will be in a second."

She is so deadpan. A very muted red person. I am being pulled toward my body. As I enter myself I find that my body is changing. I open my new eyes, and I now am in a room. The room is made of black stone, the furniture of bone. Cassie is still right next to me, now fiddling with a noose. "What are you doing?"

"Dying."

"You're already dead."

"I can still try."

"Ok." Why should I stop her? It was her afterlife. "Does it work?"

"I just regenerate. You should go to the mirror."

Cool. But why the mirror? I walk over to a mirror in the corner. In it is... Me? I have a black cloak, and my face is severe, and with what looks like obsessive amounts of makeup. Bright red, with glowing eyes. I seem to have wings, wings made of newspaper articles. They are all ones I know are lies! Thankfully the lies are burning, with blue fire. I flap the wings. They work! And that means I'm on fire. "I'm on fire!"

"Good for you. I can't burn stuff. Just brake brains" Cassie replied from her spot in the air, hanging by a noose.

"Why does it not burn?" I am just- wow. Hell is weird.

"Hellfire can't hurt the demon that made it. Can you pull off my neck armor I never asked for to make me die?"

"That's murder." I am not against murder but I have no justification this time.

"You're fine. It's legal."

I kill her. She falls dead. A guy flies in.

"Bravo. I am the editor-in-chief for the Pandemonium Gazette, Nox the news demon, all other introduction can fuck itself." 

They have Beatle-esque wings made of tv screens, a platinum blonde ponytail, red skin, and a dark suit. Their face is sharp and voice green. "Hi. This place is fucking weird."

"Duh. Now I have a job offer for you, what's your name?"

"Magnus."

"Your demon name. Oh right, you don't have one up yet, how's-"

"Lieburner." I have, strangely enough, thought about this.

"Ok! Now I want a new investigative reporter!"

"Yes!" I wanted to be one all my life! The problem is modern newspapers can't fund investigative journalism as it no longer pays off. "How to you afford investigative journalism?" 

"I don't. Entitlement demons do. They are hella rich."

"Wow." Hell is messed up, expectedly. "How does this work? So far hell has just been random demons popping in on me."

"I get you a rich white man style office you will never use and then you explore Pandemonium and beyond looking for the truth. Also paperwork."

It's hell. Duh paperwork. "I need to do that." Explore a city full of lies? Yes please. "Can I kill people?"

"The PCPD only investigates organized crime. A serial killer who kills bad guys is going to be targeted by PIs and vigilantes, but not the police."

"Okay. Where do I live?" I'm a realest.

"Rent a apartment. I don't care. I am one of the few high-up demons who doesn't make things hard, I will pay for it maybe and even give you some helpers, or something."

Or something? Eh. "Now what about-"

"I'm your boss. Ask the internet." They fly off the windowsill, bosting off on hellfire jets imbedded in their wings. Wait, do I have a phone? I need one, so... Duh no.

"I had no one when I came here. No job. I couldn't even die. I was stuck. If you don't have a in with Nox and their kind, you will either feel the torture or join a gang. I, of course, didn't fit either. I got taken in by Nox off the street. That never happens. Then again, getting picked when you are new is just as rare. I know a phone place."

Cassie, as always, beats around the bush, while climbing in the window. "I don't understand you. Thanks."

"You're welcome. I can fix that."

Cassie taps me on the head. And I see her, and me, but, I see through both our eyes. I just? She is like me, she just never found the truth. I never thought of others as anything other then liars. I am wrong. Just, I got to find lies, and I killed them, she killed herself. And we were both right. I killed. She killed. I just killed the outside while she killed the problem. Fuck me.

"Sorry. I need to deal with this now. I have never done this on a psychopath. It must be a shock, empathizing so profoundly your first time."

"This is what I was missing? Oh. I'm leaving now." Whelp. I die. Again. Her antlers are within reach and now, within my neck. 

"Maybe other demons can kill me. Huh."

And that is the last thing I hear. For two minutes. I can't even properly die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I doing? Failing I guess. It's fun though. Please comment!


	2. Cassie vs a snake. Also flying.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lieburner explores and finds some weird shit.

Well, empathizing is a bad idea. I got better, but still. I will never see Cassie the same again. I get up, off a, alter? Cassie flys in, without wings. 

"This is regeneration. It sucks. I'd like to get you ready for whatever so I can go, yeah."

Something's missing... A lie? No. More like, a lie of omission. No one can detect those! If I can, that is epic! I walk over to where she is and follow her through the building. "So how is your life? Got any friends." A great way to start a conversation and, if I can detect lies, is a great way to expose lies.

"Terrible, duh,"

White lie. It is literally white. My synesthesia takes things too seriously.

"and, uh, no."

Grey green, a lie of omission. "Ok." I will get the truth. I really want to kill her, but- she taps me. 

"You can detect lies. I'm not talking anymore then."

"You can read minds. I like it." I do. That is so cool.

"You find it cool I can violate your privacy?"

"I don't believe in privacy."

"Your mind begs to differ."

I look away. "I'm sure you're wrong." She shrugs. "So do demons act the same as they were in life?"

"Some do. Those who are high up get worse, while the street folk just tend to change. Most others stay the same."

"Huh." I need to read a lot. I follow Cassie to my office. It is big and boring, but it has books. So I read, and read. I learn the basics of the history of the multiverse. So Time being made was important, before then is incomprehensible to the 4d mind. After that the most powerful beings in the multiverse, the Nameless, made the First World, a few billion years later that flunked, then they made Infinity, also know as the modern multiverse. Then everything gets more and more specific. I learn a lot about demons too. Most are former humans, the rest being former angels or born demons, demons who are children of other demons. Oh, my, God this is cool! I I get to learn! Now, to help others do the same, I will search the city of Pandemonium and do cool stuff! Ok, yeah, I'm overenthusiastic, it's to overcompensate for my pitiful emotional range, bored, mildly happy, and murderous. Flap my wings, rising into the air. It's rather easy. I fly up to a window, and open it. Outside is Pandemonium. The city is huge, it looks both a both first world and third world city, not second world. It's perched on the lip of an impossibly huge cave, industrial complexes hanging from stalagmites, stalagmites mined out to form public spaces, most of which have been flooded with trash, the few that aren't seem to be private, judging by the desertedness, surrounding riots, and golf courses. Well, I ought to take a close up look. I jump out if the window of the tower my office is in, it's glass and wrought iron shape sliding past as I fall. The ground below is a packed block of traffic, sided by decaying high rises. Man, my office is high up! Eighty feet from the ground I flap my wings, and fly. Okay, this is fucking cool. Now all I need is someone to fight with demon powers! I should try those out. The high rises give out to warehouses and business, while the traffic keeps up. I think the hellfire on my wings can do stuff, so I flap my wings and pray. I guess some person is listening because columns of blue fire shoot from them, melting the roof off some warehouse, crushing a- baby demon? Weird. Now rockets! Fire shoots behind in a blast of light, and I fly foreword. I see a spot that looks suspiciously like the crater AFO left behind. Cool! Someone lied about that of course. I fly over at great speed, yes, with rockets. Are those speakers? 

"And Riot hits the dirt! Neverknown jumped out of nowhere and cut Riot in the stomach, and she's out!" 

My senses seem to be better, as I can see with detail a mile away. The crater is a stadium, with crowds standing around it, a blimp with an announcer, and the corpse of what must be Riot (a rusted iron-skinned wingless demon drenched in blood) lying in the mud. I land in what would be the entrance, except that there's no barrier. A small crowd stood there, including Cassie. What the fuck was with her? "Cassie?"

"Oh, hi? What are you doing here?"

"Exploring, you?"

"You'd know it was a lie." 

That's a lie of omission. What do my powers think I am, an idiot? "Okay-"

"Up next, two regulars, Cassie and Sathus!"

Dumb announcer, who's on Cassie's side.

"Byeee!"

Asshat.

She flew of, without wings (how?) and landed in the middle of the arena, followed by a snake headed, dragon winged guy with light plate armor. 

"Start!"

I flip out my note pad to take notes, and thank god I do, these two are fast! Cassie shoots along the ground, propelled by a plume of bright white smoke, the snake guy flaps his wings, his snake eyes turning as black as Claudia's normal look, as he gains a boost from a jet of black fire. They meet at inhuman speeds, conjuring swords out of thin air, one of solid mist, one of purple strands. Despite the immaterial status of the blades, they seemed quite strong, taking blow after blow in the high paced duel. Then they each shot a lighting bolt, (why do they just do the same thing to each other?) one black, and one white. And both of them teleport away. Who knew? Cassie is cool. Speaking of the Cassie, she pulls a Todoroki and launches a mountain of solid mist, the snakey guy blocks with some defense magic-force-field-thing and proceeds launch a wall of shadows, and, suddenly, a wall of gold appeared behind Cassie, and starts to shoot chains.

"Now this is an obscure spell!" The announcer says. "It has a secret, but with out the secret it's a fool-proof attack so-"

Cassie dives right _into_ the shadows. And guess what? They're just shadows! Odd, I expected otherwise... Magic is fucking with me. Cassie bursts out, equipped with a misty sword and armor, snakey retracts the gold and shadows, but all too slow as Cassie rushes him. He barely has a sheld spell up as Cassie strikes. Cool. The spell breaks, and he flies backwards. Cassie charges and snakey flips out a glowing thingy like Glimmer or Dr. Strange would make. 

"What the? Is that- the spell of entrapment!"

Okay cool, who cares blah blah blah. Cassie has a solution though, she hits the pulsing gold circle with her own glowing white mist. 

"And she is powering it- backwards? That would form a corrupted version of a spell of freedom!"

I don't know what that should look like, but snakey is turning pale and grey, with something vage I can't see drifting away. 

"Gulp. She freed, his soul. They say freeing a soul prevents regeneration until the body is destroyed, and the body itself is inhabited by evil spirits. Anyone who took basic supermetapsychophysics knows that means the overworld civilization's superconsciences. What? They make us learn a lot to become announcers."

The body gets up, and opens it's mouth, and it's tonge sticks out, and turns into a scorpion tail. It's hands enlarge until, each finger has a full sized hand at the tip. It charges Cassie, and she flicks up a plume of mist, and the body goes flying. It gets up again and charges. And she smooshes it with a misty hand. It's hair grows, as if to make the thing into a cockroach, but the mist turns into a white fire and burns the body to ash.

"Impressive! Cassie always kills in the weirdest ways! Next up, two total noobs! After this commercial break!"

"Hey man! Sense you're stalking me, I signed you up to fight next!"

Cassie thought I was stalking her? "I'm not stalking you weirdo, this is just a landmark."

"Well, you fight next, so bye!"

Shit. I prefer to _observe_. Not take part.

"Next up! Lieburner the news demon, and Chainwalker the blood demon!"

Okay, I walk to the center of the arena, the the place seeming more and more like a set of ruins. Across from me is a tall, I guess handsome, demon. They are about 7'2" or 3" (2.2 meters), with literal bronze skin, and no wings. I'm about 6'1" (2 meters). I'm fucked. We stop 80 feet (24 meters) from each other. My only hope is fire. Lots of it. Oh, and height. 

"Start!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help. So I said nerotipicality can take a hike but I'm not autistic so I can't try to write autistic characters bc I cant get in their heads so I'm forked. If you are autistic or any weird brain thing (I'm several) and have a issue with my portrayal of your brain or have ideas on how to portray a brain I'd love it if you commented. Please say what weird brain thing you are bc I don't want some guy saying Lieburner felt too happy about violence and that's bad unless they are a psychopath, sadist or sociopath themselves. Thanks for reading my trash!


	3. Chainbreaker vs Lieburner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big demon slugfest.

"Start!"  
I charged. I'm pretty sure news demons have hellfire, and as I just learned, that's easy to deal with. One cup of cocky smiles, two cups of strength showing, a tablespoon of tactics and half teaspoon of backup plans equals sure win if baked for one minute in a stadium. I sound dumb, right?

* * *

"Start!"

The fire crackled as my wings flapped and I rose into the sky. The bronze demon has a smile as cocky as mine. They are also shattering all the concrete they step on. Well I'm melting everything behind me so I'm fine. I'd say say something dumb like a recipe for victory (those were all the rage in my town back when I was in weird circles like murderers) but me and bronzey are about to collide.

* * *

I know people who would try and figure out lore or some shit when they got here. I on the other hand went strait to the magic system. The eyes that flew toward me were those of a nerdy serial killer. They were also quite mesmerising. Anyways anyone with this flickering eye pattern is a experienced killer from my town. That place was messed up. If they have this pattern they will fight hard. I happen to have already scanned the entire place. Paper wings will be dead in a few seconds.

* * *

I realise I have fallen into my old scanning pattern. And bronzey took notice. Odd. The bronze demon goes to punch me, jumping the 30 or so feet (10 meters) to my level. My wings flap forward and pivot. Bronzey is swept up in flames as I stop and shoot up to double my old altitude. I hear a thud. My bronze opponent must have landed. I'm surprised there are remains at all.

"Hey fuckhead! That was a jerk move!"

Bronzey _survived_?

* * *

Strangely enough I'm immune to hellfire. It's time to see if my powers will work.

* * *

Bronzey charges and leeps. They hold their arms wide and swing them together. My scanning suddenly seems like a good idea. Rebar is flying from the surrounding buildings toward us. As the buildings collapse I flip out of the way. My reflexes in hell are insane. The odd thing is bronzey doesn't land. They cruise toward me on wings of steel, crafted of rebar. I burn them. They shoot out of the flames on wings of molten steel. I need to know if this guy has telekinesis, ferokinesis or magnetokinesis. I swooped down and grabbed a brick. I threw it. The announcer is saying something but I don't care. The brick hits bronzey and did nothing. I'll need something bigger. One concrete structure seems mostly intact despite the lack of support following it's derebaring. I pick it up. Being a demon is awesome.

* * *

Dang it. I'm not the only one with super strength.

* * *

I throw the MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE at bronzey. I am strong. Yeet. Bronzey uses their wings to catch the house and then they kick it. As I expected they are at least as strong as me. It shatters. Unless they are a lot smarter then I have observed this should do the trick. I pick up a decidedly Cesium statue, gaudy to say the least, and dodge a piece of random art, sadly titanium, which doesn't prove my theory. The statue makes a good projectile, whizzing toward bronzey. They do the one thing that cement my theory, they summon some rebar to parry it. 

* * *

I had just realized that paperwings was trying to find out how my ferokinetic powers worked, so I had to do something. I had done the obvious thing and made it look like Cesium was beyond my control.

* * *

I had had the idea to really try out my powers, but I had never had the option, that had just changed. I lowered my eyes. Not literally of course, just metaphysicly. Like a crocodile I saw two worlds. My grin was probubly quite unnerving, but that wasn't what should be scaring bronzey. I could see lies. Not nearly as much as I had hoped, but enough. I wished to cleanse the world. I needed to. I would. The power seeped into me and I told it to increase, to the point it could affect what I needed it to. "You LIE!" I roared. Power riped through the landscape, and with it bronze and cesium. At the speed of sound it tore into a surprised bronzey, shearing off their wings.

* * *

"Finnaly, a challenge. That some power you got. Thing is, so is mine." I couldn't lose. Never. I floated into the air.

"Wait what? Bronze isn't magnetic!"

"I'm sorry, I lied. You should have too. Anyways, I have the high ground. Padiwans couldn't dare face me."

"You are the dumbest badass I have met."

"Anyways, die." Metal riped through the landscape and impaled them. "Now that was hard! Someone call the under world office supply store!" The announcer volunteered name 'Splinters'. 

* * *

I woke up. Time to teach Cassie a lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need two things: a way to explore some dystopia, (Lieburner has only seen the very _nicest_ corner of Pandomonium, and that's only one city) and a way to get work ethic.

**Author's Note:**

> This is legit weird. Thanks for baring with me!


End file.
